Bonding

*Warning: you might need a tissue.  I certainly did*

This post has been a long time coming.  There are so many words that I wanted to put down perfectly.  I'm not a fantastic writer, especially when the words are burdened by so much emotion.  In the last few weeks, I've felt a tug on my heart to write about a topic that is not talked about enough.  It's not a topic that people like to talk about, it has the potential to bring a lot of awkward moments to the conversation.  But, today, I decided that I'm okay with awkward moments.  Someone out there (whoever my audience may be) needs to hear these words.  And so I write.

I didn't immediately bond with my son.

Are you surprised?  I was!  How could I not love this baby and feel that immediate bond with him?  What a horrible mother I am going to be.  How will I care for a child if everything I thought about the immediacy of that overwhelming feeling goes out the window?  What does it mean to not bond with your baby immediately?  Who do I talk to about this?  People would ask me after my son was born: Don't you just LOVE him?" And while I knew the answer was yes, it wasn't the euphoric, strong, infatuation love that I expected.  I am a person who feels emotions deeply and for me not to feel so deeply about my son..it scared me.  When would the bonding occur? 

This issue was always on my mind.  That first week was pretty bad emotionally (obviously) but not feeling that bond made it so much harder.  And then there was another topic that I thought of constantly.  I'm almost afraid to say this next thing, but it's the truth so I'll say it anyway.  For a long time, I felt that I didn't 'earn the right' to be a mom.  I had heard a lot of stories about birth and had psyched myself up for a super intense, long, hard, painful delivery experience.  I thought, "That's the journey you have to go through to become a mom."  Well, I'm happy to say that I had a relatively easy, very fast delivery.  Yes, it was painful, but not as painful and hard and excruciating as I thought it was going to be.  The two things I remember most is that I was so tired from being up for almost 48 hours straight and that the last 10-15 minutes were really intense and a lot of pressure. And, yes, the ring of fire does exist...I found it!! :)  However, compared to many stories I had heard, it was a cake walk.  All that made me feel like I hadn't earned the baby laying in my arms.  I know it's a bit ridiculous, but it's the truth and it was a real emotion that I felt.  There I said it.

Bonding is something that comes with time

In those first two weeks of having my son home, I took care of his every need, very minimal...feed him, put him to sleep and change his diaper.  He was a very sweet little new born baby.   He didn't cry a lot.  Nursing was very easy for both of us so that was really nice.  I started to feel more connected as time went on.  But then something happened... He hit 4 weeks old and started to need a lot! ;)  

 He wasn't a very "easy" baby.  He became a very fussy baby.  Evan needed to be held and fed and bounced and rocked and swaddled and bounced and shooshed and re-swaddled (man this child can squirm) and walked and....well you get the point.  He needed constant attention and care and I felt like I couldn't even put him down for a second without him crying.  He had terrible gas pains.  He had trouble pooping (bicycle legs and leg pushes are a God-send).  He didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time.  Oh, it was just awful.  But, while that was happening, he started distinguishing his cries.  He would cry a certain way for hunger or tiredness or gas pain.  It was then that I started thinking "I'm so proud of myself for learning his different cries."  Someone else would have him when he'd start crying and they'd say, "I think he's hungry" and I'd know with every inch of my being that his cry meant he was tired and needed to be swaddled and held on his side with his paci in his mouth.  He'd confirm that by falling to sleep within seconds and I'd feel my heart swell.  I was doing it right!  And, all of a sudden, a light turned on.  I'm bonding with my child!  This is what it feels like to be so connected to a little being that you know his every need and desire.  It felt so good and so right.  I'm loving on my child and bonding with him by taking care of him.  He responds with appreciation by going right to sleep or happily nursing and gazing into my eyes or smiling when we do bicycle legs (he especially likes bicycle legs with his Mamsie!)

I realize this isn't bicycle legs, but it's a good pic of Evan and Mamsie!! :)

Something my mom told me when Evan was about 4 or 5 weeks old really hit home for me.  She teaches graduate level students who, for the most part, work full time and attend school at night.  One of her students has worked in the hospital for 25+ years.  This student came up to my mom one night and, while talking about my son, said that 60% of women don't immediately bond with their baby and that it takes mama's up to 6 weeks to feel bonded with their child.  Wow, when I heard that, I knew I was okay.  I'm with the MAJORITY of mama's. 

A number of ways I can tell I've bonded with my son

1.  His smile melts my heart e-ver-y time!!
2.  His cry stimulates my milk let down
3.  If he's not in my arms, I miss the weight of his body against me
4.  I cry every day on the way to work (luckily I only have a 3 min drive or 15 min walk)
5.  He stares into my eyes while nursing and I stare right back
6.  He's always on my mind 
7.  I can soothe him (not just by feeding him) in minutes....most of the time :) 

Evan,

Although I didn't bond with you immediately, I feel very secure with our relationship now.   You let me know in so many ways just how much you need me and love me.  Each time I can satisfy your need, my heart swells with delight and pride.  I am so happy to be your mother.  There have been some hard times that only a select few have truly witnessed, but those hard times are becoming few and far between.  Let me add that I loved you every bit as much when you were screaming as when you were laying happily in my arms.  I am willing to put in all the effort needed to make you happy and comfortable.  That's my full time job.  It's not always glamorous, but it's highly rewarding!  I love you with all my heart and feel closer to you every day.  The way you give me good morning smiles fills my heart to overflowing.  It's like you know I need those smiles to tide me over for the work day.  See, you know me and I know you!  We are such a team.

Te amo!
Mama